


the gap in between seasons

by jjakbbam



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Implied dongpaca, M/M, all the characters except for youngmin and hyungseob really didnt have much to do tbh, allback is here yas, hyungseob-centric, seasonal meanings, yes woojin is not a character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 16:54:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12657597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjakbbam/pseuds/jjakbbam
Summary: Summer brings hope. Hyungseob just decides that he's going to wait for it to come, he doesn't have the energy to look for it himself.





	the gap in between seasons

**Author's Note:**

> yes, you read that right in the tags, i did not put woojin as a character.  
> nor is his name mentioned in this fic.  
> also, this has not been beta-read, you have been warned.

Spring has fallen once more.

Ahn Hyungseob is sitting alone at a corner booth of a diner on the side of the highway, absentmindedly staring out of the window at the passing cars on the road. He's been sitting there for about two, three hours now, and the sun is already starting to set. Every time the door swings open, a fresh blast of cold air comes in and the warmth that has settled in his system has long gone past now.

He's shivering in his seat. The diner is empty except for a handful, and he pushes himself up from his booth, dragging his feet towards the counter and perching on top of the school to be greeted with a smile from the person behind it. They're already friends; Hyungseob used to come here often with someone else who has gone and left him behind now.

Hyungseob receives a soft smile from the twenty-seven year old, one that he returns as fullheartedly as he tries. "Won't you go home, kid?"

"What's there to go home to?" He laughs, chuckling awkwardly as he lowers his gaze. The person, his name is Youngmin, tsks.

"Cheer up, where's your energy? Your happy virus? Don't be so down."

"My energy..." Hyungseob falters before he shrugs and cracks a small, forced smile. "My energy came with the winter that passed."

"You're becoming a poet again," Youngmin notes, leaning his chin on his arm against the counter top. "You've always had a way with words, you know, I'm still wondering why you didn't take up writing."

"It wouldn't take me anywhere." The younger boy shakes his head as the door suddenly swings open and he shivers, stuffing his bare hands in his coat pockets as his teeth chatter.

"Sciences were never your cup of tea. Neither was dance." Youngmin points out, shaking his head as well as he suddenly disappears into the kitchen before returning with a steaming mug. "Here, your lips are turning blue."

"Thank you."

Hyungseob gratefully accepts the mug and brings it up to his lips as Youngmin drags up a chair on his side of the counter. They have never been particularly close; it's always been Hyungseob and him, or him and Youngmin.

Ever since he left, though, it's just the two of them left in the space used to be taken by three. It's not awkward anymore, they're friendly enough with each other for small talk but nothing deeper than that.

He doesn't understand how everyone else can just continue on with life so easily, as if it's as simple as the changing of seasons and weather patterns. Youngmin doesn't look troubled, he's just continuing his daily life routines without looking like there's something in it that changed. Youngmin's twenty-four year old boyfriend, Donghyun, who works at a nearby flower shop is still as bright as ever, his shining eyes and blinding smiles unwavering.

While Hyungseob, Ahn Hyungseob, is sitting there and pretending everything is normal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beginning of spring brings back a lot of memories.

Spring makes him think of late nights spent out at 24-hour diners, sitting on the sidewalk and huddled in thick coats under yellow streetlights, and kisses shared in between conversations. Spring makes him think of cherry blossoms falling on top of the other's head and blushing cheeks and early morning and sunset walks.

Spring makes him want to curl up in a ball underneath his blankets and not go out of his house anymore so he doesn't have to think of the memories.

Hyungseob hates the beginning spring, maybe not more than he hates the bitter taste winter has left behind, but he hates it, nonetheless.

Spring, new life.

Spring, however, has Lim Youngmin come to his cold apartment in the middle of the day with his boyfriend, bringing a large bouquet of bright pink flowers and dragging Hyungseob out from underneath his blankets, saying that they have to go visit the other man that day.

"Well, at least, come out with us to get some sunshine, you don't have to come see him if you don't want to." Youngmin's boyfriend, Donghyun, says with a small smile and it causes Hyungseob to peek out from underneath the pillow on his face. He sees Donghyun shoot a sharp glare at Youngmin before smiling at Hyungseob once more.

That's exactly what makes Hyungseob throw off all his blankets and grab a thick coat from his closet after stuffing tons of hotpacks in his satchel. He doesn't forget to place the glossy photo frame face down on his desk and to place the thin silver band lying underneath his pillow in his coat pocket. He never forgets that.

Hyungseob lets Youngmin drive them all towards a place near the countryside, and he waits inside the car as the pair of them get off with the bouquet of flowers. Once again, Hyungseob folds himself into a ball in the backseat of Youngmin's car, hugging his knees and shutting his eyes tight to close out all the memories from flooding back because of him being in such close proximity to the other boy.

Then, it all happens way too fast.

His heart suddenly beating faster and he suddenly can't breathe. His small breakfast from earlier in the day is rising in his throat, his head in spinning and he feels like he's going to be sick. Hyungseob reaches out to grab at the lever on the car door to roll down the window and let in some air. He gulps in large amounts of the chilly air, rubbing his chest gently as he shuts his eyes.

Moments later, after his breathing has already leveled out, he can hear Youngmin and Donghyun's voices from the distance, the wind carrying the sounds to his ears. Another two minutes later, Donghyun peeks in from the open window.

"Hyungseob-ah, are you okay?"

Donghyun sounds genuinely worried and as Hyungseob opens his eyes, he sees Youngmin peeking over Donghyun's shoulder and looking just as concerned for him. Again, he just nods, says he's okay, because that's what he has to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Early April is painful. It's never been painful before, with the arrival of April Fools' and the blooming of cherry blossoms everywhere. Hyungseob always loved cherry blossoms, they're soft and pretty, and a certain someone told him that he's exactly like cherry blossoms. Pastel, light, beautiful.

But it is, and Hyungseob doesn't have the energy to drag himself out from under his blankets at two in the afternoon and start looking for a job now that the weather is warmer and the flowers have started blooming. He's been living off of his (ex) other half's advanced paid rent for the first quarter of the year and his savings, along with the money his parents occasionally send him from wherever they are.

He needs to pay his own rent now, and he doesn't want to go through the troubles of looking for another apartment after getting kicked out, so he kicks away his blankets. Then he dresses himself, wrapping coats and scarves around his form, and goes out into the warmth of the noon sun to head over to the dance academy just on the corner of the block.

Hyungseob hasn't been there in months since mid-January, and he probably should go back to ask for a teaching spot even if he's lacking compared to everyone else. When he pushes into the lobby of the studio, he's greeted with a whole bunch of eight to ten year olds walking in a line and following a brightly grinning Kang Daniel whose grin becomes an eye smile at the sight of him.

"Hyungseob! Hey, it's been so long!"

He raises his hand to wave, "Hi, hyung," Then he motions to the kids, who have now started chatting among themselves while the one directly behind Daniel is busy tugging at the hem of his sweatshirt. "Who are those?"

Daniel grins, "New recruits. Muel recruited them at the college, he said they were dancing outside the auditorium. Says that one is his classmate's brother and the rest are the brother's friends."

"They're cute." Hyungseob grins back, trying to give the same amount of enthusiasm. Daniel chuckles then bids him a ' _see you again_ ' because he has to go teach the kids some hip hop. He then goes ahead to one of the open studios, a pop song playing inside and a team of boys dancing to it.

He abruptly stops by the door, his hand on the handle; it's been a while since he last saw All Back. They're still the same hardworking, dance-until-you're-dead type of team, and they don't notice him until a certain Byun Hyunmin glances at the door in the middle of a pivot turn and goes out of formation to drag him inside the room.

"Hyungseob's back!" Hyunmin yells, manhandling him inside the room and dragging him by his arm, and that's all it really takes for everyone else to crowd around him in a tight hug and bombard him with a ton of questions because they haven't seen each other in two months. 

They were gathered around a small box television on the floor when the news first came to show itself to them, and they all told him that it's fine with them if Hyungseob would take a break first, to clear his head and that he doesn't need to rush himself to get back to dancing, that they understand.

And he hasn't shown himself, until today.

Their new team leader, Noh Taehyun, sits them all down in a circle as if they're children at preschool, chewing on his lower lip and staring at him anxiously, not speaking for a while despite already clearing his throat. When he speaks, it sounds careful, very calculated. "How have you been?"

"Have you been doing okay?" Eunki asks, sounding equally careful with his words.

It takes Hyungseob a bit of time before he finally does something, because he's debating in his head on what he should say around All Back. All Back has been with him for years, even before he graduated college, and he's not really sure on how to approach this topic. He knows they're just worried about him, as quiet as the others may seem. He knows it's just because they don't want to accidentally say anything they shouldn't.

"I..." He starts, and everyone suddenly seems like they're hanging on his every word. 

Yongbin and Joonyoung have even leaned forward. Eunki tilts his head, gives him a comforting smile; Taehyun nods; Hyunmin is biting down on his lip.

Hyungseob says slowly, "I think I'm fine."

"But  _are_ you fine?" Joonyoung speaks up, and Hyungseob is at a loss of words once more. Yongbin lightly slaps the other's arm, chiding him.

"I should be fine." Hyungseob shrugs. Then, once again, no one talks. It's just them sitting in a circle, with an obvious space left empty, and everyone is waiting for what their leader will say.

To everyone else's surprise, Taehyun says nothing and just pushes himself up to his feet, walking over to Hyungseob's back and crouching down to squeeze his shoulders comfortingly. Hyungseob twists to meet his eyes and some sort of unknown agreement passes between them.

"You'll be fine." Taehyun states, giving him a small smile. "Will you be staying until we finish? We could go out for dinner."

"I, uh, I need a job." He says bluntly, now looking around at the rest as well. "I need to start paying rent soon, is there any vacant teaching spot left here?"

"Well," Eunki is the first one to answer him after a few long silent moments, and even he looks like he's at a scramble for words, "We could probably always open up new classes for you to teach, I'm sure Seongwoo wouldn't really mind."

Hyungseob nods, and he stays to watch and wait for All Back to finish practicing their routine, and by the time the clock hits six in the evening, they're stuffing themselves in Joonyoung's truck. It's been a while since he's out with someone other than Youngmin and Donghyun, with people he's somehow more comfortable with.

The feeling's kind of nice, he guesses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They talk of the most mundane things. 

They talk about Eunki and that Chinese dancer who joined their studio a few weeks back. They talk about Joonyoung and Yongbin and their masteral classes. They talk about Taehyun and the choreographers he met recently. They talk about Hyunmin and the parties he goes to. They talk about Hyungseob and his blog.

They talk about the winter that has come and past, and Hyungseob ends up crying, much to the rest's panic.

The news suddenly comes on the television, volume surprisingly loud to their ears, at the corner of the restaurant they're in, with reports of the plane crash near the coast of Japan months ago and the recent findings, and Hyungseob cries even more.

 _His_ name comes up among the people who they just managed to identify, and Hyungseob is nearly running out of the restaurant if it wasn't for Hyunmin's arms wrapped tightly around him and whispering in his ear, hands rubbing at his shoulders telling him to, "Please,  _please_ , Seob, calm down."

Months of no news at all, and Hyungseob, _all of them_ , thought there was no hope left. Now, news finally comes and it seals everything that happened that winter with a finality.

There's nothing left to hope for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winter consisted of hushed talks into the night, wrapped in each other's arms under wool blankets, chilly afternoons spent sitting in front of a heater while holding hands and hot kisses that left him totally, absolutely breathless.

Winter was a broken promise, a promise that he would come back, a promise that the most heartbreakingly gorgeous amazing man in his life had dragged down to the bottom of the sea along with the rest of the parts of himself that he had given up since the first time.

"Do you want to come to the morgue with me? To... check on him?"

Youngmin's question is hesitant, and his lips are quivering. Hyungseob knows the older hates to believes this as much as he does. Donghyun has a shift to work that day, so it's just Youngmin knocking at his doorstep when Hyungseob's very determined to stay buried underneath his sheets for the next few months, or years.

However, Hyungseob is determined not to take any step in whatever direction near the morgue.

"No."

Youngmin doesn't bother to argue today; he just nods and gives him a weak smile. "Alright, then, take care, kid."

The older man leaves and Hyungseob limply pushes the door closed behind his back. Youngmin called the night before when the news came out, when Hyungseob was still with his dance team, Hyunmin's arm warm and tight around his shoulder.

As he stares at the closed door, the memories suddenly come rushing back to him in waves, like the waves by the beach in the city, and the rush of them all brings him to his knees, tears pooling in his eyes within seconds.

He's dead. 

Youngmin's gone to the morgue.

He's  _dead_.

The realization is seemingly burning itself into his mind, but he's doing his best to push it away. It's not something he wants to think about. It's like re-opening a scarring wound, the blood scarlet and shining on the cut on his skin, and Hyungseob  _hates_ seeing blood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been months since Hyungseob last checked his email and opened his blog. There's a huge flood of unread messages from his blog readers, he presumes it's about the news. 

They always told him, emailed him and commented on his blog posts, that they loved seeing Hyungseob and him together, that they hoped they'd always be by each other's sides because they looked so beautiful together and because Hyungseob deserves someone like  _him_. 

Hyungseob's blog is filled with photos of them together, the main photos of his posts are polaroids, selcas, a whole ton of things that are just meant for the both of them, and it's painful to look at. His blog's background is a pastel pink and orange, soft colors, and it makes him dizzy because all he sort of wants to do is to either shut down his blog for good or restart it from scratch.

But he can't,  _he doesn't_ , he shouldn't, because that's the only thing he has left of them.

If he doesn't have his blog, he doesn't have anything. He lost a lover, he can't lose his passion as well, even if he had left it there untouched for the past few months after leaving a note that he'll be taking a rest because of some circumstances. He hadn't said a single word about the news on his blog, but his readers know. They already know, and he doesn't have to tell them.

He's not sure what to feel about that, honestly.

His inbox is filled with messages saying ' _cheer up_!', ' _keep your smile, please! don't lose it!_ ', ' _stay strong_ ' and the like. Hyungseob always liked to say his blog readers adore his relationship as much as they adored his blogs, seeing as every message they send always has some sort of reference to his relationship, to his lover.

They used to be full of heartwarming words, those messages. Now, they're heartbreaking to even look at, the number of them, and he somehow feels like they're all telling him the same thing. 

_C_ _heer up._

_Stay strong_.

 _We_ _hope you're happy_.

He appreciates the gesture, the thought of them taking some time out of their busy schedules to send him messages like these, but he doesn't how to reply to them, so he doesn't read them.

With trembling fingers, he types out a new blog post. It's short, it's blunt, it's barely an actual post.

**_I hope spring passes quickly_.  _New leaves are needed for new lives._**

It doesn't say much, and frankly, he's not exactly sure why he typed that out either as he publishes the post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He dreams of a familiar shy smile and a snaggletooth peeking out from underneath soft lips. If Hyungseob ends up crying when he wakes up, does that make it a nightmare?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April is coming to a close when they're all heading out to the churchyard, donning black, and Hyungseob thinks he's numb. 

He doesn't cry when they all do, and he can't hear the beating of his heart. He doesn't mess up his speech, he doesn't stumble over his words even once, he doesn't trip over non-existent objects in his path, and he doesn't burst into tears at the sight of his lover's eerily calm but still gorgeously beautiful face and at the touch of his icy cold hands.

He always trips over something or other, he always messes up his speeches, he usually bursts into tears very easily, and his lover's hands are always warm, spreading warmth from the tips of Hyungseob's fingertips to the other parts of his body.

There's too much things that aren't going the way they normally do, but then again, maybe it's because what's happening at the moment isn't something that normally happens.

It's not every day you see your usually calm and collected friends crying.  

It's not every day you see a casket being lowered into the ground.

It's not every day you go to your lover's funeral.

It's not every day things like these just become so suddenly real so quickly that even you can't believe it even though every one else already has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A full month speeds by too quickly and it's the first of June.

Leaves are growing out in bunches, the weather is warming much too quickly and Hyungseob suddenly doesn't want spring to leave. 

Summer is coming, and summer means youth.

Summer needs to consist of people playing outside in the sunshine, going to the beach, eating  _samgyetang_ with the air conditioner turned on full swing. Summer shouldn't have sulky boys in their early twenties because they don't have their other half to spend summer and have fun with.

Summer brings hope.

Eunki and Daniel have already arranged for a few classes per week teaching hip hop to the kids at the dance studio so he can find a job, and he has found himself a shift at both the nearby cafe and at the convenience store just for the extra cash because he doesn't think him teaching classes at the dance studio can cut it.

Hyungseob needs to find hope for himself. Even more than he needs.

If he doesn't find hope, he's going to wilt like the dying flower Youngmin has associated with him just a few days again for being so bright one day then so gloomy the next. If he doesn't find hope, he might as well lock himself in his house forever and leave himself there to die- which might not really be so bad after all, but that's not the point.

Youngmin and Donghyun have both been guilt tripping him, saying that  _he_ wouldn't have wanted Hyungseob to live his life uselessly moping around, and it doesn't necessarily get Hyungseob feeling guilty at all times.

Summer brings hope. Hyungseob just decides that he's going to wait for it to come, he doesn't have the energy to look for it himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope arrives in the middle of autumn two and a quarter years later, when Ahn Hyungseob finally dreams about a shy smile and a snaggletooth. He wakes up with his heart full and warm instead of his eyes filled with sadness and tears.


End file.
